I've hinted at it, I've beaten around the bush and I've been a little mysterious, but here's the nitty gritty on my fertility issue.
For 10 months I've been seeing a remarkable doctor who was first only asked to diagnose an issue I'd been having, and as a side - to see whether or not this issue contributed to my not being able to conceive a child for over 1.5 years. For 10 months I've been subjected to tests that I can't pronounce (Hystero Salpingo-gram anyone?), tests that are painful, tests that are demoralizing and tests that didn't show anything different from the last tests that I took. Each test took at least a month because each test needed a different cycle day.
What did they find out? That I'm a freak. I have something called a Mullarian defect - which is basically a birth defect. I have a healthy uterus with open, healthy fallopian tubes and another cavity which has uterine lining which is connected to my good uterus through my cervix. They thought it was a fibroid while I was pregnant (it looked and acted like one) but they couldn't find it while they were looking inside of me during my c-section.
For a good portion of this year, they have been talking about doing surgery to correct it - but as they got further into the awful testing, they realized I'm REALLY a freak. They feel the surgery would be difficult and may be more destructive than helpful - and while my doctor has done several of these surgeries before, he's not done one like mine, ever. He has suggested that since I got pregnant with my freaky uterus before, I should be able to get pregnant in it again. So, after we found out that John didn't have anything to do with this, we have started on a course of Artificial Insemination.
Last month, I went on Clomid, had a gonadatropin trigger shot and was inseminated on my 14th cycle day after I "surged" on my own. (This whole process has it's own language).
For reasons completely unknown, it was unsuccessful this month. For a couple of days, I couldn't cry, then I cried and cried for about an hour, now I'm ready to try again. We'll do the whole process over up to two more times - and we will either be pregnant or we will know that Annie will be our only child.
I hope that one day I can write that it worked - that I'm pregnant again. Mostly, I hope that I won't have any regret throughout this process. I hope the money and the time and the pain will be worth it. I hope I won't be bitter.
I hope to have it all, that's all.
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4 comments:
(((((((HUGS)))))))
this will happen, i wouldn't put a deadline on this.. there is more stuff you can do other than your 2 more chances.. it puts ALLOT of pressure on yourself with that deadline LOOMING!!! BIG HUGS!
your big sis!
oh, babe. i'm sorry this is so painful for you. i wish i could tell you "stop worrying, what will be will be" but i know that's pretty much useless advice. it sucks to not be able to have what you want so much.
PLEASE forgive me if i'm being a moron, but would adoption be a choice for you? i'm all done making babies and if we decide to exapnd our family again it will be via adoption. PLEASE forgive me if i'm being insensitive.
I'm actually not feeling pressure - it's funny, really. You would think that something like this would be more stressful, but in reality it's just my life. I'm actually looking forward to EITHER outcome. Being pregnant, or knowing I won't get pregnant. I can at least plan either way. And this IS the last ditch effort. This is all I'm willing to do.
Adoption probably isn't an option, only because both John and I really don't feel the urge to adopt. I think you need that in order to bring someone in from outside your family. It would probably be different if we didn't have Annie. I think I would have a lot of guilt about hoping I would treat the adopted child just like Annie - and I've really tried to rid myself of as much guilt as I can. I think people who adopt are truly angels, and maybe this is a way of telling me that I'm not that angelic.
Love you guys! Thanks.
understood.
it IS nice to just have something final, to have that poit where you say "OK, this is it, it's all over" and can move on to the next thing, whatever that is.
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