I had a conversation with someone yesterday that reminded me that I have some rules I have wanted to share. I hope you take this with all the love in the world that I have for all of you. It seems that everyone makes these mistakes every once in a while and I think all of you may need to be reminded.
#1 - Please tell me that you are pregnant. Tell me that your wife, or your sister-in-law or your long lost friend is pregnant. I understand exactly what it is like to be pregnant and to want another kid. I get it. I would much rather hear it from you. I don't want to find out when you are 20 weeks along well after you've told everyone else. I promise I won't be anything but excited for you. Babies are a blessing. Let me hold him/her and snuggle his/her little neck and smell the amazing smell. I'll give him/her back, I promise!
#2 - Please, please, please don't tell me it will just take a trip to the temple or a little more prayer or fasting. I appreciate your prayers, I really do. But the fact is, this has nothing to do with my worthiness. Telling me how to pray just makes me think that you feel it has everything to do with my worthiness. I promise, we have fasted, taken it to the temple and prayed fervently. If you would like to do the same, you are welcome to.
#3 - Unless you have gone through the infertility process, please don't tell me you understand. Just because it took you and your husband a few months longer than you expected to conceive does not make you an expert on how I feel. I understand that you want to be empathetic, I get it. Just tell me how sorry you are and that you love me, for some reason that sits better in my belly. Now, for those who actually know what I'm going through - THANK YOU for coming out of the closet and giving me a sense of normalcy.
#4 - I know that pregnancy and sex are intertwined in your head, but please refrain from asking about my sex life. I don't just need to relax (yes, I've actually heard it). I get enough questions about my marital bed activities from my doctors, I don't need to rehash it with all of you.
#5 - If you want to do something really nice for someone who is infertile, think of them as a normal person and do something nice for them. Don't think of me as someone who is sick. I don't need meals, but it's nice to be invited over for dinner. We promise to reciprocate, just like a normal family. Come over and swim and talk about things that are baby related! I promise that I am alright with talking about teething and meconium.
#6 - Please understand that while we are a small family, we are a family. A whole family unit. If (and it's a BIG if now) we ever get more, it will be a blessing. But as we stand right now, we are good. We're not necessarily happy with our lot, but we are becoming more and more okay with the idea that Annie might be our only kid. It's not the end of the world if we don't have another. Please be okay with it, too.
I love all of you!!
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3 comments:
Can I copy this for my blog? Thanks for posting this, I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels there should be some ground rules for asking about/dealing with infertility. Hope you guys are good otherwise; Dallan says hi too.
Go for it Kirsten! Glad to hear from you.
I know you don't know me. We have been struggling with this our whole marriage. I love how you wrote it down. We adopted our first child last March. We are still struggling with it, I don't think it ever goes away. Thank you so much for your words, they were very helpful to read.
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